L.I.T.=Lioness In Training

Frankenstein

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:16:21 +0000

This was inspired by someone very close to me i lost that person today, i miss you and love you. this is for someone who was touched by personal tragedy today, i give you my best in words for i can not truly express myself in any other way.
Random thoughts:
A creature made out of selfishness, whose only desire was to be loved, it was spurned by the world, society told it was never to belong, it came to accept it’s miserable existence and ask only for a mate someone like it, who will love it, faults and all but still the master denied it,it’s one simple longing…..love, companionship, understanding, acceptance.
I chose you amongst all others is what it longs to hear, to feel your skin, hear your heartbeat, it is all the sustenance that i need to live. The creature wants only to find that one true love, to make it all complete. The elders say two things will happen in your lifetime, you either have one great love or you get three good loves, i pray that they are wrong on both, for the simple reason of losing love and never feeling it again or knowing that you have to get it just to lose it again and again.
What is sweeter i ask, than the kiss of lips that seem as though they were touch by God and are blessing you with each peck. I long for your soft touch and caress of my cheek, of your arms keeping me warm and safe from the bitter cold, but you are not there and you don’t hear me anyway.
It’s getting cold and my bed can only give so much warmth and comfort. Where are you, do you hear me are you so blind by the bitterness of the world to not see that there is something more precious than silver, or gold?
I cry myself to sleep tonite longing for you for your safety and well being but i already know the truth, and there is no one there to hold me or keep me warm, and the sad thing is i dont….know…..your…..name, but i know that i love you.
If you could hear me i would tell you, that i would never hurt you, or use you. I’ll rub your back when the weight of the world is too much for you to bear, I’ll feed you, clothe you, give you warmth and more love than anything else in this world, all i ask,….all i need is for you to kiss my forehead at night and allow me to look at your face at night.
I go now in the blind hope and faith that God will lead you to me,…if only i knew your name.

Keeping the faith

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:15:20 +0000

Since my lil confessional on my last blog i have been feeling a little better now. Have also been doing some real deep thinking, i worry too damn much too much, really too much. I started to think about on the things i missed out on because i worried more of the outcome and not enjoy the moment no matter how insignificant it may seem to me at the time. Certain people close to me know why i never really lived in the moment, but seeing that was some kind of false cloud that was lifted a few weeks ago; I’m starting to come out a lil at a time.
Losing a friend also makes you look at things more clearer, but one thing is still so very blurry for me. I know he is out there, i just don’t who, or how i will find him. Yes that;s right the cynic has gotten the faith back I am ready for love real love, now God might not think I’m ready just yet but i am capable of great amounts of patience, so i guess now i just live in the moment and see what it brings me

GROWING PAINS

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:14:01 +0000

Today was a rough day it was what i would most truly call a growing pain, i lost my case but in the process them thinking i had won decided to let me keep all the money just had to go sooner than later. Well less five hours later found another place to live and the best part is it’s ten times more decent than the hell hole my children lived in, only draw back is have to give dog away and cant bring washer and dryer,(dryer was broken anyway). My mother said she wanted me to go on this journey alone and use my survival instincts, she told how if i just look back and see how i did this all by myself, and that i am a good person i try to do the right thing and she told me how now blessings will start to come my way, i broke down on the way home because everyone kept telling to put this in God’s hands and i must confess for a minute, for a i had almost turned my back on God, but every time i thought about it, it pained me and i couldn’t, so after that i called on my Grandmother, my Aunt, my Father and My recently departed Godmother and sat down and somehow found a resolve one better than i had hope, my two young children will love me more than life itself now they will have their ow room and be right across the street from school and be happy so happy for once and not have nightmares about home.
For the longest i felt i was losing my Grandmother’s spirit if i leave but i see now that God and my family was watching me and guiding me to somewhere i deserved to be.
update: I got to keep the dog…..

keeping quiet

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:11:59 +0000

okay some people wonder why i have an tude this week it’s because every person who does know what i’m going through right now are still so wraped up in their own BS!!!
I mean if anyone even cared to see how i’m doing or how my children are getting sicker and i cant even see them, or be with them because i am stuck moving into my new house plus having to work more hours at work, it is truly breaking my heart right now. I’m thinking about cutting these people off the same way i am leaving my old house behind. So many memories good and bad, I had to think and come to the conclusion that there were more bad memories in this house than good.
Maybe I’m just tired and stressed out, allowing my emotions are starting to take over, it’s just funny to me how i try to be there for other people and they are sometimes too fucking stupid to see that i am willing to place more pressure on myself for folks that i care about but i must remember this week is almost over and hopefully soon i can see my two young children again.
On a good note I’m moving into a new home and I’m so proud of myself because as my mother keeps reminding me i did this by myself and how all i had to do was look inside myself and be the woman she raised me to be. Yep it’s almost over…….so now i can start anew.

alone

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:08:55 +0000

over five years now i have been alone jilted from the one who i thought did love me, well he didn’t and now why is it that I’m still feeling even more alone than ever now? I just want someone to love me, why do all the assholes get to be happy and I’m still looking for someone to at least hold me at nite? i want love, they say it happens when you’re not looking for it but I’m starting to think there is nothing for me to look for anyway, because i know that one i will never be good enough for anyone and the only thing will come to me is bullshit, it’s not fair, I just want LOVE!!!!!

Well It doesn’t Feel So Good After All…….

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:07:08 +0000

I am a woman who has had her broken like it was no tomorrow, and you know I guess maybe that’s what is wrong with me, I have such a fear of commitment that I push anybody who even tries a little bit to get close away, even my friends. I think it mainly stems from my father not being around and every other male I came encounter with was no better, including the father of my children; but for a while now I was getting this sick high of rejecting men like it was sex to me and I don’t know……….Last night coming home from class, a guy tried to talk to me and me being the bitch I am now just pushed him away in such a manner that I could tell that it kind of bruised his ego, by the way he was looking through his papers in his bag and my gut told me that this guy was decent just down on his luck trying to work even if it was temporary, but I guess talking to me didn’t do any better. It bothered me all night last night and it didn’t feel so good, I need to open up my heart to people I really do not everyone out there is bad, but right I just wish I could find that young man and tell him how sorry I was and maybe ……….I don’t know just let him know that someone does care,I just hate it was him that made me open my eyes to what I am.

Complex simplicity

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:05:44 +0000

Today was a busy day for me chores around the house, lunch with friends and other things(I’ll tell you when you’re older), I told them about my Lil side project and of course once again they looked at me crazy and said things remember how you were last time which caused me to step back and reflect on the person I have become, and the person I was, and also the person I’m trying to become.

When Pandora opened the box, and let all the evil out in the world, was one of those great evils self doubt, i mean sometimes fear was also one of the great evils, but self doubt is truly my biggest of those great evils that escaped out into the world, I then had to reflection on how the people in my life really see me so after my lunch and other appointments I sat back and started to reflect I am a daughter, sister, mother, friend and sometimes lover; but the biggest question is how do i see myself, full of self doubt that it could full a football stadium, of course people on the outside don’t see this they see a nerd, and a somewhat happy person, but the ones i do let in there has only been three of them and one is not my mother, know the true me.

One day i hope to share that more people in my life and in the process give up the ghost that is my constant companion, but for now i guess it’s there to keep me from making mistakes and regretting them later but in a way it’s keeping me from enjoying some of the things that life can offer, so tonight when i dream maybe in that time of serenity my answer will come to me about who i really am……

introduction to the starvin marvin chronicles

Rainia29 — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:02:25 +0000

A few months back I went on a hunger strike, my goal at the time was to obtain some type of spiritual relationship with God, a closeness of sorts my friends and co-workers all thought it was a crazy idea and if I kept it up that I would be shaking hands with God. I sustain myself on water and crackers and maybe some peanut butter for protein, and if I got the urge to eat ,drink or (sex) anything like that I would put my desires into my writing and actually finished a couple of short stories. HA HA, real funny well I went through it and around the fourth day I hit the wall and emotions that I did not think I could feel came over me and after the fifth day once I broke through I felt so much clarity and calmness and in a way like everything was going to be okay . After that I was constantly thinking about all the suffering in the world and how even though I don’t see it that I’m really blessed and fortunate and that bitching and whining about the small things are fruitless.
Well this time with the help of a friend I’m going to put my self back on hunger strike again but this time I’m doing it for a good cause, I’m doing it for the people of Darfur and another reason that very personal to me during this time I will be severing all ties with my friends and only my mom and my friend who is doing this with me will really be around , I will of course still will going to my job during the week but other than that this is going to be my real communication to the outside world I plan to go into a writer’s cocoon and with this challenge that was set before me hopefully when I emerge back to the world I will be both stronger and more focus on my true passion I have given myself a week to prepare and ready my friends so that they will not think that I am being a bitch or anything like that.
I caution you do not try this on your own always have a support system and be both mentally and physically able to do this, on exactly July 27, at 12:01 A.M I Cledythe Lynn Wright will be going on a hunger strike and with this come out stronger.

what you really want

Rainia29 — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 09:28:09 +0000

This is originally from my girl meka’s blog but seeing we have discussions about this all the time and the 3 yr agr gap between us it’s strange how people from different walks of life keep asking for the same thing, is this what we really want?
Today has been a really fu-ked up day I lost my Godmother, the woman who helped me channel that Norman woman in me one of my links to the past, and how ironic I am struggling with the fact that i need to leave my Grandmother’s house and in way i feel I’m letting go of her spirit. My mother keeps telling me that some good will come out of all of this……The question i keep asking myself is have any of the decisions i have made, made me any happier? So this last part is from my girl meka, asking the one question a lot of us keep wondering, don’t worry no names, it’s just a simple question. So it may seem to you she is talking about relationships, to me she is talking about life in general and the choices that we make.
We get ourselves involved in these relationship or what we think is a relationship and think it is the best thing ever.
But when you go out do you get announce as this is my girl, my woman, my guy, my man or even my boo or do we get to sit back like a sideline hoe.
Do you go around being secret lover,lover on the D.L or are we lovers where everybody know who we are and knows you are mines and I’m yours.
Now my life may be full of mistake and I’m not perfect but one thing I’ll never regret is who or what i am.
So we just have to sit back and ask ourselves is this what we really want.

A VERY TOUGH QUESTION

Rainia29 — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 09:25:40 +0000

Human interaction has been on a very steady decline since the invention of the television, that’s my opinion. Cell phones not only make it even more convenient to handle business, but easier to avoid people and social situations altogether. I remember my freshman year of college, my friends and I were all at the bus stop, talking; just not to each other, all of us including me were on our cell phones and why when we could have simply talked to each other but chose not to. It seems to me the things meant to bring us together have in a ironic way widened the gap between people when it comes to socializing and communications, so much so that there are now seminars and classes on how to effectively communicate to one another for business, for relationships, etc.
I myself am very guilty of this even in my junior year of high school my mom bought me a game boy so I would never be bored or whatever, but it only served to help me build a wall up to avoid awkward situations and probably some good experiences that I never got to have. One must ask themselves what can we do as people to bridge the gap between communication barriers and at the same time keep the convince that technology has brought us? Perfect example is that my very first love was on the computer when we met, a rule I now live by never, ever ever, ever, ever date anyone off the internet (broke that rule one time quite sure it’s gonna come back to haunt me). Anyway how can we really get to know each other with so much time spent in front of the computer, text messaging, and of course the television; yet the biggest insult of all is the invention of the Bluetooth, oh sure now you’re hands free but you’re also able to ignore the person talking to you and disregard their total existence if you want.
Being an insomniac my main fix is technology and I wish now for a way to break free from it but I realized that one….I cant, really I cant; I have the internet wireless, wherever I go, and if I don’t have my laptop, hell I can use my phone to surf the web and watch TV, basically another way of avoiding human interaction. For someone also who has ADD it’s really not that better, I have a friend who told he cant go anywhere with me for any longer than maybe 2 to 3 hours because after that I lose all focus and venture some where else, the only thing I can keep real focus on is writing and the law, other things are natural like children and family, but when it comes to relationships I cant even stay focus on that person for longer than 15 minutes, one reason why I’m still single but I digress. (oh side note to that person who I kept interrupting sorry, it’s me, not you and you are not boring, you’re keeping my interests. Trust me it’s a struggle.) Hell right now using technology to convey my thoughts to the world right now but yet still feel very much alone and disconnected, so tell me how can we as a race of beings come closer together and really see each other for what we are, nothing more than living beings all looking for that connection